The World of Women in their 30s

Step into the vibrant world of women in their 30s, where intuition meets empowerment. This episode is your guide to awakening the third eye of vibes, smashing the patriarchy with style, and crafting your own destiny. Perfect for those ready to sparkle with confidence and sisterhood.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:09

So I was thinking about um one of these quotes or sayings. I actually said a I sent it to Yanessa the other day about bringing your own chair to the table. I believe it is a Shirley Chisholm. I'm not sure if I'm saying her surname correctly quote, but she basically said that if they don't give you a seat, bring your own chair. Honestly, I feel in our 30s, I feel like we're tired of carrying the chair. We're just building our own table now, actually. So something like this podcast, I would feel like is a table, you know, that has been built for women to bring their chairs to the table. It is very much unfiltered, it's very messy, and it's a space where we can just be relatable humans without the corporate masks. So I've got such a beautiful mix of perspectives today. Before I dive deep um into all of these topics, I have three or four topics that I would like to cover. I mean, maybe we'll just speak about one or two, but that's okay. Hello? Hola senhorita. Hola. I honestly like hate being confined in like a space that if I feel like creative people shouldn't be stuck in an office space. Yeah. Is the office not nice? The office is okay. It's just like I don't want to be there every day. But it's only temporary, no? Eventually they're gonna let you go. Yeah, but can you imagine doing every single day for two months? It's a lot, girl. Like it's a lot.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

I don't I don't even know how I would feel at this point going all the week to the office in that silence that you cannot say anything because everyone is hearing you.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Yeah, like this office is at least nice because it's a bunch of like developers, a lot of sheldens and stuff happening. They have quite fun, engaging, whatever, but like there's this one girl. Isn't there always one? And it's so annoying because like women are supposed to be with each other for me, like we're not supposed to be hating, and she's hating, she's like got this wall.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

But you know, I was talking to a friend on Saturday, and we were actually talking about the fact that women are way more so smart. Are you scared of a woman or a man? 100% of if a woman hates me, I will be more scared than if a man is so much more smarter, so we can build a plan to destroy someone, but we're not we're not inclined like that.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

That's why, like, when you read the books and stuff like that, especially like the creation of the patriarchy by this handle one, like we are not naturally like that. We're empathetic. But in this world, we are dangerous. Nay, I don't think so. Where do you come from with your fans?

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Well, because I've seen it, like I've seen it also with my mom when she used to work like in very high work positions, and like she could always stand for herself, but the women they always go like sneaking behind people's backs and go and and try to influence men about the opinion with the other with the person.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

I mean, have you seen that book where it says like where the nice girl doesn't get the corner office? Yeah, and the other book about like why men go for bitches, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

In Spanish we say cabrones, cabrones, cabrones, yeah, porque why men love cabrones?

SPEAKER_02 3:36

The books they are in what sense that they are more like I think maybe not smarter, like I think a woman can be quite vindictive in more like even though men can be manipulative, I think women are just better at manipulating because I think maybe we've had to learn how to like manipulate our way into situations, you know what I mean? But maybe it's not like a natural thing we've had to learn to do that, especially when it comes to corporations. Like, I think if women were not had to fight their way into like higher senior positions or like have all this dick as like seniority, we wouldn't we wouldn't have to be like that a little bit more, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 4:18

I feel like women are always better, they know how to do everything better, right? And that consists even of the bad. So I just think women just do everything better, good or bad, you know.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Men are just well, I mean, like there was like a queen when she was still running Uganda's community, like she ran she um like did an entire war plan and led the war. Yeah, the British people, you know. So like I don't know, I I don't know. I can't I can't I can't really say that women do things better.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

If you think Lava about the greatest leaders that you see, like for example, with the Obamas, you see that it's actually mistaken. Like speaking, like historically, yeah, but right now the women next to the men are kind of the hand that rocks the crib because they are Obama, what is her name?

SPEAKER_02 5:15

She husband still made that comment, like Obama when they were at a restaurant, and then her ex was the restaurant owner, and then he was like, Oh, if he didn't marry me, you would be the wife of a restaurant owner. And she was like, No, she would still be the wife of a president.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

And I was like, Yes, exactly. That's what I mean. And that's what I must say. We are better planning things, so if we want to get revenge, we will get a better one.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

Okay, fair enough. But then I think like we need to flip this way to not say that we're evil, just we are we're we're intelligent creatures, we're evolutionary, you know, we're leaders. So, what a leader is not seven leader definitions, we're a leader, you know, like we can take on all four. We are planet earth, we create and you know, like how like in history, even like one of the four founders of America, Jefferson, or whatever his name is, yeah, you know, he made giving birth and having periods gross type of thing. You know, he like made it allowed that you can rape your wife because that's such a white her allowed, you know, like like level of beating her up, it's totally okay, like there's no complaints allowed. And they've disabled us so badly in the from the days onward that it was like almost such a it's almost today, like such a tough climb, you know, and that's from like 1920. That's crazy, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

And that's we were the men in power and they had the the position to decide whatever they wanted that was right or wrong. That's how they managed their house, and that's how they wanted the country to be built up on.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

Yeah, I try not to find like issues with women because I really want to communicate, like have partnerships and stuff like that. But you know, sometimes if you're an energy reader, you can just like read the room of what she's giving, and it's not pleasant. I'm quite a confrontational person. I want to solve the issue like now. And I want to like I'm itchy to go to her and be like, girl, what? Like what? What can I do for you? I haven't even been here, like what is the vibe, you know? But like she just looks like someone that would not take that well, and she would make me like put my my wrong foot forward that's wrong foot, and like I want this job, so anyways. So, like, I would really love if the two of you could give like a little bit of an introduction of who that you guys are and where you come from.

SPEAKER_04 7:35

Um my name Zaho Shabongwani from South Africa. Guys, let me tell you, bigger woman is very not easy, but I love it because it's such a it's such a nice transition. Um, although it does come with its challenges, but I don't know, is there something about growth that is very what can I say, very significant. You feel of course you sometimes wish oh if I could be 21 again, you know. But then you're like, um, but I actually do like growing, you know, because I I I see the difference in when I was 21 and now as I'm 31, right? There is a huge difference, of course, that comes with a lot of challenges and transitionage. I am loving, but I am um experiencing some few challenges. I realized that um peace comes at a cost as well, hey?

SPEAKER_02 8:30

Girl, you have to work for that peace. It's called adulting. I don't even think it's a woman, I just think it's like you have to woman in your position of matters.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Yeah, yes about it doesn't get better as well.

SPEAKER_04 8:44

I just come from a huge you know conversation with my son, telling him, look, dude, focus, right? I need you to do this so that I can also have less stress. And he doesn't care it because he's a child. It's like he's like, Why are you kissing me, bro? You don't know.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

He's telling me he's like, you don't even understand the things that I have to go through, and I'm thinking you're only nine, but okay, you're going through it's so weird how you feel so overwhelmed in every single moment of that moment in your life, and you think it's like end of the world, yeah. You forget that that is like gonna be it's gonna like get over, and then you're gonna have even worse and worse moments. Like how that has every single shitty moment like evolved over every single small moment that you've had in life. You know, you think that you have like your first boyfriend breakup and you cry and think it's like end of the world, you're never gonna be loved again, you know.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

And then you have actually are not. Yeah, that is something that I would really like to experience again, you know, like falling in love without the emotional baggage that you have in your 30s, like falling in love like you like when you were 13 or 16.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Like butterflies, and you were like mean in the shower, and like you're just excited.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Sometimes when I go out, mostly during the spring, there the things that I really like to see is like these young people in love because you genuinely see the love. It's you see the eyes, the way that they move on the people, guys.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

That's what it is. It's a lot of ovulation. Yeah, it's a lot of young hormones, fresh and naive. Yeah, but it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

That's the thing you will never get back.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

They will never get back, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Definitely.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Yeah, I definitely agree with that. It's quite sad actually. Yes, we don't think about that. No, that's quite sad.

SPEAKER_04 10:42

It's quite sad, definitely, but not for me either.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

Do you feel that? Do you feel like you have an in-love phase, like in your situation?

SPEAKER_04 10:50

I still feel like I'm I still feel like I'm still in love. And I still feel like from the time that me and my partner started dating, I still feel the same as if it was the first time. And I realized I felt not teenage love, I felt like, okay, this is real where maturity is concerned, right? It's no longer uh okay, I'm going to blind myself and focus more on how I feel, right? Because I cannot also control how I feel all the time. But as long as I believe there's consistency, transparency. Yeah, and also like how do I describe this? It's sort of a mixture, right? Yes, you know now it's not you don't blind yourself to everything, but the fact that I can still be consistent in love, I think that's the difference. Feeling like it's never gonna end. You feel like we're still we're still learning each other from the first time. You feel like you're still, you know, I don't know, man. You just feel you just feel.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

This is like parentheses, someone is in love.

SPEAKER_04 11:58

Definitely look. That's how I feel in my cities, you know. That's how I feel.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

Yeah, because my name is actually Janisa, but everyone's Yenisa. Jenny. Because my other name is my grandma's name. My other name is Christina. Yeah, so sometimes when I want to feel like a new person, I can use my other name for when I want to do different things that doesn't go with my normal Denisa's personality kind of thing. Oh, I got such a bad grandmother soon. I haven't spoken to her name yet.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

What is it?

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Barbara. Oh wow. So you're talking about Barbara's in South Africa on the East Rand. Like, those are not nice people there in the East Rand. Why not?

SPEAKER_04 12:43

They're not. Your grandmother name is better than mine. What is this? So you also have your grandmother's no, not my grandmother per se, but it's like a grand, I feel like it's like a grandmother name, you know, like Susan. So it's like I see.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

But it's interesting also, like how you grow up with one name identity, and you're married to it. Like I can like when I am, as I said, like when I want to do these different things, then I use Christina, but in my normal life, I am just Janice, and I think I will always be that person. And recently I am I was doing some paperwork, and they were asking me, like, do you want to keep your full name the way that it is? Yeah. Like, I don't know because this is like the whole thing, it's who I am. Like, take one name, one last name, and that's it. It's like losing the other half of my identity. That's what I was talking to my mom. So I just decided just to keep it all, the whole story, kind of thing. But anyway, that's like sidelines, maybe for another definition. But yeah, so I come from Mexico and I've been living in the Netherlands for a little bit over five years. Okay, and I was so excited to turn 30 years old. When I was 29, it was like counting down, like New Year's Eve, like almost 30. And I thought that when I turned 30, suddenly my life was going to make sense. Like I was gonna get wisdom, going to like I I know a lot of my friends they were kind of scared to turn 30, but for me, it was just like this is the this is the moment that I was waiting for. I was telling Canvas that I I did my first international like solo trip when I turned 30. I am an only child of my parents, so I was like very protected and whatnot. And I I thought to myself, okay, I have to go and I have to do it. And since then, I think I really I think I wanted it to be dirty so much, made them very meaningful. So I started to know myself better and to know myself better in solitude, like who I was standing on my own. Yeah, I have enjoyed it a lot. I met a lot of new people when I moved here that were more close to who I was, you know. In my country, everyone was already married and everyone was already having children, and all thinking some people were already going through divorce. I was thinking like, what am I going to buy for the supermarket next week? You know, like the biggest worries in the family. And when I came here, I met so many people that were actually not thinking about marriage or kids, and they were thinking about like career and life and getting to know themselves and more conscious. Yeah, I also felt that. So I think that uh life took me where I was supposed to be, and I was not like how you say like a black sheep anymore, but I was part of a community that felt more like who I am. I think it has been great. I actually moved here in in my early 30s, like uh 31. So I have grown up uh far away from home after my life.

SPEAKER_04 16:12

How is it though? I'm assuming that's a huge move because honestly, guys, I admire you know your courage, the both of you. You know, for me, I've only just visited the Netherlands, you know, but I can't imagine myself leaving South Africa permanently unless you know I get an opportunity and I have to go there, but I can guarantee you I will come back. So do that to just wake up and leave to a whole other country.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

Uh I mean I just had exactly what you mentioned an opportunity. Yeah. I mean, like Sunshady or Eminem or whatever you want to call him says in his best song ever, you know, like if you see an opportunity, are you gonna grab it with both hands or that it's like me too?

SPEAKER_00 16:57

I had a partner back then that we did like what is the best case scenario and the worst case scenario. Mexico, yeah, back then, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was super smart to be honest, and he told me, okay, we so we did this exercise because I didn't know what I wanted with my life. And then he was like, Okay, best case scenario, you love it and you stay there. Worst case scenario, you hate it and you come back, but at least you went there and lived whatever you had to live, and yeah, and you didn't let that uh not happen to you, kind of thing. Um, I think I remember perfectly that was the night that I was like, okay, I think I can do it. Worst case scenario is that I have to go back home and eat taquitos for the rest of my life, it doesn't sound very bad, so that's that's how I did it.

SPEAKER_04 17:46

And I mean you're kind of enjoying the both of you, guys.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Take me with now that we have the rape academy, and that's also terrible.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Yeah, yeah, we have Andrew Tate and the Rape Academy. Can you imagine like what has been going on for years and years and years that people have not known about?

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Yeah, right? I feel so sorry for the girlfriends. I feel so sorry for us. Like, imagine that it's your sister, your friend. I think the scale of that is just so scary. And I think that nowadays, women, I think our generation, like these 30, 40, 50-year-old women, we are so conscious. I think I was telling you, Candice, right? That when I get together with my friends, my women friends, and I see my men friends, and I see the level of consciousness, of responsibility that we feel not only for ourselves, but the women around us. It's so compelling because I think men they don't think the same way because they have been winning for a long time. And now we are opening paths, not only for us, but for the women that are coming behind us. That is something that I really appreciate. I come from a family that it was always women. So my grandma was just my grandma, my mom was always my mom, and people were literally afraid of them because they were like, How are these women just doing what they're saying? Yeah, yeah. And the other day I was in this uh reading circle session, and we were talking about this book from Puerto Rico that one of the uh the chapters was going to the beach alone. It was not something that people will do. I don't know how it is in South Africa, but in Latin America, if you see like a woman or a man on their own, it's very badly seen. It's like because he has no friends or no family, like what is wrong with them? And I was telling them like I have never been afraid of that, but probably because of the environment that I grew up in, that it was okay if you were a woman to do things on your own. But I don't think that's normal, at least in my culture. So I am happy now to be in a place in which that is normalized, and that it is okay to also not be married when you're 36 or not having that as a priority. But I I really don't know how it is in South Africa for you.

SPEAKER_04 20:26

It's a priority, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Yeah, yeah, it's a priority. My culture, like I think the also the English culture, not just the Afrikaans culture. Yeah, but yeah, it's very much a priority in South Africa. It is, and it's you know, getting married at 22 is not necessary, yeah. Like that to be a Christian. Oh god, these people are getting married just to have sex. It's absolutely insane. People like man, you you put a mission to a target for a man to get that dick in the Panani, and he's gonna go down on one knee, put a ring on that finger, sex with her, and then gaslight her and control her and ever dominate her for the rest of her life. And she can't get divorced because it's against Christian Bible.

SPEAKER_04 21:10

Like it's insane. No, I actually had a family friend who did that. So we used to, when I was younger, they were from the same church, right? But he's not the they are not the only example, but they are the first example. And when we used to go to this church where they advocate for, you know, getting married young. So when they realize that I decided to have a baby, but but also it's like okay, you're in a relationship, so you need to make sure you and your man are getting married soon because we know you're gonna be tempted, right? We know you wanna start experiencing sexual intercourse instead of now. You need to get married because if you don't, God is gonna punish you, right? That that marriage did not last. Of course, dumped him. And then there was another girl who I went to school with. She got married same way in the church. And I'm like, I'm asking myself, like, okay, you got married because the church said so. But what do you say? Right? Now you get married to this guy, you have a child together, then you actually find out the real him because people have this perception that people go to church are better. And men rather are better people. When you get a man from the church, he's a better guy. He will treat you better. And then you actually realize they're the worst ones. I fear the guys in church, honestly. Do not advocate.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

Christianity is such a man religion.

SPEAKER_06 22:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

It's absolutely insane. Christianity was like a different very much more spiritual religion. I think a little bit more leaning towards paganism and whatever that is. But like they've even gone so far and taken out like what women have achieved and done. There's nothing good about woman in the Bible. I mean, when you go to church, how much are they speaking about a hymn and a man and like what they've done? But like it's just too much of a red flag. So men like to think that they're doctors and they're priests, and you know, some Hari spirit chose them, and then they feel more powerful. You know, it's like a shot of testosterone. And I honestly think that men don't need to be able to do that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

But it's actually the women that are doing all the volunteering work, the ones that are working with orphans. So I think, in a way, they are closer to the purpose of being a Christian, that it's help your brother be there for him. So from that perspective, okay. But um I think uh humans have this ego thing that we like to be admired and we like to be seen. Yeah, I would assume that at a certain point in time, if you were the leader of a church, you were looked upon, you were respected, people imitate you. And unfortunately, that's in your nature. We are greedy in a way. That's why Christians make greed a sin. Yeah, so they say it's a sin. If you go to the Vatican, you will realize they really don't believe that because that thing is packed with gold. So I think, in a way, the thing that gives me more peace is the fact that the women in church are the ones that are actually closer to the world and to the actual mission that it's helping. The ones that they they go and travel and and help and do all of these things, they are the ones that give you the how to say the classes as well when you go to the church.

SPEAKER_04 24:42

Like what we call e-group. And I think I think now I'm realizing as you're making this point, but I'm not sure if it's deliberate or that's just how it is, you know. But I think um a lot of the time women are the ones that seem to make sure that everything that is man-made, specifically from a Christianity perspective, to still be withheld. And they also withhold even the negative. So if they know that the pastor is sleeping with young girls, they're not gonna go and defend those girls, you know. They they they protect that information because our pastor cannot be seen as someone like that. But do you realize what he's doing?

SPEAKER_02 25:28

I think those were not like brainwash is what it's like that series that you requested to me, the last prophet. Ah girl, because I watched every fucking thing. Like, where are you waiting for the 13-year-old to say that God that being raped by this fucking old man like is not it's not a bad thing? Like, you don't have a bad feeling, the feelings that you had weren't bad.

SPEAKER_04 25:51

And it's like it's crazy. The more the the FLDS Mormon culture is very, very gruesome. I'm so sorry to say this because how as an how as another man do you give all your girls, including your wife, to another man?

SPEAKER_02 26:07

Like some god came into his brain, which was maybe just a thought he had, and then he thought it was a good idea, and a good idea must be godly. So God gave him the thoughts to do that. I have nothing to say. Nothing to say.

SPEAKER_04 26:19

Like those kids just lost their purity, their childhood in decision. That's good, you know. How do you how do you marry girls, girls even at the age of nine, and say this is God's will? You brainwash them, stop the brainwashing, you abuse them, right? Overwork them, they now suddenly your workers they do everything you say.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

You you basically tell them when you're in front of these particular people, and they're very good at acting, you would actually think they yeah, yeah, because they are manipulative, and for that to perform very well as well, it's for people to believe what they are saying. But I think that is why it is important for women to have access to a different perspective of the world when you grow in a family that it's uh very religious, or everything that you see around you, you normalize it. I think that's something that happens a lot in our culture. We normalize things, like even the silly things that are still happening now, like the salary gaps, or the fact that we as women have to work the same time schedules as men, even though the childcare facilities they open in different time zones than the ones that we need to work. And then we normalize that because we are okay, we are equals, we need to work the same hours, even though we are being paid less, or it is not that. And I think that starting to understand the fact that we as women have different responsibilities, children and the the role that we bring into the table in a household is completely different than the men. I think that's the moment that the things are going to start to change because like I don't have any children or husband or anything. But when I talk to my friends that are still in the same situation as myself, we always say we really don't know how they do it. We just believe that you become like a superwoman and then you put your cape every single day and you go and do it for as many years as necessary. I think the more we talk about it in public spaces and the more debates there are out there about the fact that we are not equals because we are not the same, then more awareness there is going to be, and also to support each other as women. Well, we were saying in the beginning, why am I going to say, for example, if someone is arriving late to work or is looking tired, because hey, she has two children. The way approach it is like, how can I help you? How can I do that for you to make your life easier if I am in a position to do something about it? I think I don't know, I am like super conscious about like where do I want my professional career to go to because I don't want to go higher in a corporate ladder in which I cannot make a difference for women that actually need support and that needs understanding and that needs safe spaces to talk about the things that are going on in their lives. Like when you go through a very, for example, bad relationship, and you feel that um unfortunately I come from a household that is also very religious, and there are certain things that, for example, my mom would say, you shouldn't talk to anyone about this because we'll judge you. And that is something I don't know if you also have it, that stays in the back of your mind. Like, yeah, maybe I should not talk about that because what are people going to think about me? Yeah. When you find these women like-minded that went through the same things that you did, you realize, like, okay, I I can go through this, and this doesn't have to define me because I have found a safe space in which people will look at me and support me. And this judgmental thing, it's maybe something that happened in the past, but it's not something that is happening right now because we are more aware of each other, I think.

SPEAKER_04 30:23

Yeah, I agree. I think same with how I also grew up. I think for me, I just decided to disconnect myself from certain things, you know, because when I think of how I grew up, how being taught from a Christian-based perspective, there are certain things that don't make sense to me. And I think I realized that very early at an early age, but in my realization, I'm not sure if I knew that I was realizing what I was realizing. So it's almost like I just felt it, and then I connected, and then as I grew, then I grew to understand that this is exactly why I actually don't want to find myself in certain Christian ideologies, right? Where you're forced. And I feel like they they installed this thing of how God is such a such a fearful thing to a point where you have to do everything. And then I sit and I asked myself, like, if he's really the kind of God that you teach us, but yet he's still also this evil God who, if you don't follow his word, you're going to be punished so badly, you know. I think a lot of the time that's what I believe the Mormon culture is going through. I think it's more of a fear, more than a belief. It's more like I'm afraid that I may not go to heaven, and we don't even know what happens there.

SPEAKER_02 31:47

Like, I'm quite like listening, and it's so weird how the two of you have such a different upbringing. I think my resilience has caused me a lot of damage and harm, and I've also hurt a lot of other people. But like at the age of 31, I can reflect on all of that, and she says, Have I learned a lot? Like, I've learned a lot. I'm so happy with the knowledge and the questions that I used to ask because today, like, I'm like, Do you remember when I asked you? And and like a lot of people are glitching. I've lost a lot of relationships and friendships from saying, 'Do you remember? People don't like to remember.' People don't like to remember, like, and I'm not sniffing across, like, I've evolved, I've changed, but like I'm just somebody that just I just want to have a conversation about it, you know. Like, I want you to understand it. And what I also realized is adults are defensive, people are do very defensive creatures. That also, I mean, I'm defensive as well. Like, in the moment, it's difficult not to be. Like, but if you can catch yourself after the few seconds of going into defensiveness and then kind of reflecting, as soon as someone becomes defensive, I like don't hear what they're saying, and my immediate thought is like analyzing, like, I wonder why this person is defensive. Then I try to think of like what I said to understand.

SPEAKER_00 33:00

I was reading this book about the subconscious mind and how actually praying is talking to your subconscious mind about accepting things that you might be afraid of or that you cannot currently accept as a reality within yourself. This book really helped me to go back to praying, for example, but I pray from a place in which I say I accept and I am thankful and I I really open the doors for these things in my life, and not from a book or anyone telling me what I need to tell to myself because no one knows what each person needs in their life.

SPEAKER_04 33:43

So do you say you read from a book?

SPEAKER_00 33:48

I think the power of your subconscious mind. To ask him, did you read that? I just put it on it. It is amazing, it's a life-changing book. I love it. I actually wanted to read it starting today.

SPEAKER_04 34:00

I just didn't get the time to read it. Now I'm gonna read it.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

Actually, it's super beautiful. And you know, now I can have for a long, for a long time, I meditate, for example. And my teachers always told me, like, eventually you're gonna become like a butterfly effect, but you cannot force it and you cannot go into it. For example, with my mom, she's of course very religious, but she never thought that meditation was something that will be for her. In the past year, she actually threw a doctor that told her that she needed to meditate, she started doing it. Now she does it on a daily basis. So I think one of the beautiful things of being on your 30s is that you can sit with your parents as well and have like beautiful, meaningful conversations about who you are and your your pains and your your honest things.

SPEAKER_05 34:52

Can you do that with your parents?

SPEAKER_00 34:54

Well, of course, not everything, because money is not like we escaped one day from the house to go to a Harry Potter premiere. I don't think she wants to know that. But we were talking about relationships earlier in the year. I I was very afraid to tell her something that was very personal to me on why I was staying in this relationship, you know. But I felt that after I would tell her, it will be like a cathartic thing and it will kind of mirror my mirror myself, mirror where I was standing. And when that happened, she told me, like, I just don't understand that this is what you think that you deserve, you know. And that came from a such a conscious different level because now I am way older, she doesn't see me as a five-year-old anymore that she needs to protect. She sees me as a woman and as a person that it's vulnerable, open open to her mother, you know. So I think for me, that moment earlier this year was like I am so happy that I am in this situation right now. In my studies, also moving forward, you know, that I am uh evolving in a way, I think.

SPEAKER_04 36:12

I wish I wish I could say the same. In my studies, they still think I'm five, right? Like they think I'm five. Sometimes they treat me like then I'm 29. You know, I feel like they are very selective in where they want to put me based on how they want to utilize me. I can't have those conversations with my parents. I don't I don't feel like they've cultivated that kind of a platform for me to actually sit down, you know, and and and just have a normal conversation like you and your mom, you know? And you know, I admire that because that's the kind of mom that I want to be. You know, I I'm hoping and striving to be for my son so that he doesn't feel like he can't speak to me, you know. Of course, there will be those things where kids will never want to tell you because there will always be that self-judgment and of I'm so afraid about what my mom says, you know. I don't like I'm struggling to get there with my parents. I think I've tried, but I feel like every time I've tried, they've shown me why I shouldn't have. That's that's where I am in my 30s. Where my parents are concerned, actually.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

But do they still try to make decisions for you that you're not ready to make your own way kind of thing?

SPEAKER_04 37:32

You know, I just feel like I don't know if it's uh a thing of maybe how they grew up, you know, especially in African cultures, being also the firstborn child and being girls only, right? There's also just this expectation they they they have for you to meet. And I think there's always an expectation they want you to meet, and I feel like they don't acknowledge the ones that you've met without knowing that you've met them, and then the ones that you haven't met, which I do not know, you only hear later that I expected this of you, right? It's like okay, I'm I'm my own person. Sometimes I don't actually want to do things like that, you know. My belief system is not the same, you know. I think the last time I spoke with my mom, a conversation where she had to advise her friend. Her friend was going through um issues with her husband, and she told her, No, don't leave him, stay for the kids, you know. And I was like, No, leave for the kids, you know, because the child is gonna suffer, or the kids are gonna suffer because they they can see that you're suffering. And I realized this even in high school, I had a friend who said the best thing that's happened to her is her parents getting divorced because she couldn't stand the fighting, she couldn't stand how mean they were to each other. She was happy with knowing that I have my dad on the left and have my mom on the right, you know. So stuff like that. And then when when they hear your opinion, it's like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, like more specifically, my mom, you know. It's I realize that the kind of era she grew up in is really instilled. I do believe that they find it so hard to get over that kind of brainwashing. It's like you don't have to do that, right? Because I could have done the same with my baby daddy who just came back now five minutes ago. Now suddenly he wants his family back. I'm like, you don't have a family, you left.

SPEAKER_00 39:31

You left the internal sunshine of the spotless mind. He was like, when did I leave?

SPEAKER_04 39:36

I have always been You must be crazy because you left, you have three years and you disappeared, right? So my um my mom's advice, I never went to advice because I knew she would tell me, and then I knew she was gonna say get married for the child. And I'm like, not the kind of advice I need. Let me actually choose what would be beneficial for me. And I think every decision always has some sort of consequence, you know, um good or bad. Because whether I had stayed, whether I had not stayed, I think my son would have been inevitably affected either way, you know. Um being affected mostly from the fact that his father decided to run away. But if he hadn't run away and we had separated amicably, my son would be fine. Right? Now he's not fine because he doesn't know why he's son, he doesn't know why his father left. And he just had asked questions, is he like quite curious? So he does ask, you know, there's a time he asked me if I still miss his dad. So I was like, Do you miss him? He's like, I'm asking you. You miss him.

SPEAKER_05 40:48

I'm like, um I miss him for you. He's like, Do you miss him?

SPEAKER_00 40:53

And I'm like Did you say no? Yeah, I was like, no, yeah, that's exactly what you should say.

SPEAKER_02 41:00

You actually feel I think it's good to be honest about it. I mean, I'm not a mother. But I mean, this morning, actually, there was uh on the radio, South African radio though, about how this mom was asking if she should start dating again because she's been divorced or whatever, but she doesn't know about the children, how the children are gonna feel. And a lot of people phoned in and was like, do it for yourself. Like you said, the children feel when you feel lonely or they feel bad for you, and they like, you know, they're living their lives, and they like sometimes children pause and look at you and think like they feel bad for you. They're like, Why are you not living your life? Like, why are you not feeling? And then this little girl phoned in, and she was 13 years old, and she said that um, you know, kids feel everything. If things they don't know, they know, they know, and they're knowing it, and they hear everything that you're doing, and that's where children develop like behaviors that's where you develop these things that we call anxiety, but I think it's just like hyper awareness and alert and understanding emotions and also understanding who their parents is in every single moment. And I think it's really like a lot of the times. I think that there is a minority of single fathers that are doing well, maybe, but the most of the cases is the mom's either dead or like she doesn't want anything to do with the child with the father. Um, those are like I think quite minor, I'm not really sure. But the majority is the moms, the single mom. I mean, when I go onto the transport in the morning, I see so many moms with a bicycle underneath their arm and the child child backpack. One of the children on the tram with her, and she's like still licking off the toothpaste of the one child. The child is or they're not complaining. And I look at then I look at the mom, and there's some moms that are also dressed and have her golden earrings, and she looks really good and she's ready for the day. And then there's some moms that like literally she rolled out of bed. She's probably thinking brushed her teeth or not while she's on the train, so she might not speak to anyone, but she's got the kids growing, you know. And I'm thinking, like, in my head, maybe it's not the truth, but I'm thinking that the dad had a nice shower, he had a good poop, he's not constipated, and he left the house with his coffee and his lunch, as she probably made for him, and he's on his way to work, and this is what she's quickly doing. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 43:15

I I I I personally definitely believe that still happens, and it's the conversation we were having the last time, Candace. That this gender role thing, you know, I appreciate the fact that the kind of relationship I am that is not determined by you are a woman, so you have to, you are a man, so you have to, yes, you know. Let's cater to each other, you know. I don't have to tell you how to care for me.

SPEAKER_02 43:40

You can just decide to listen to the song that J Lo sang. I ain't your mama.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

But that is the thing. I think mothers of women are more maybe unconsciously, we put more pressure on our women than on our daughters than we do on our sons. I don't I mean. I've read a couple of books about it, but I still in my core I do not understand it. I think partly it comes from the fear that if you're a woman and then you end up on your own, it's going to be completely more difficult than if you're a guy and then just decide to be on your own.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

I think made it difficult for women to do that. That's why. Because like remember, women weren't allowed to work. They weren't allowed to be highly educated or educated. I mean, some women like that have discovered things or like mathematically. The lady that did like the windscreen wipers, for instance, or the the lady I think there was the one lady, maybe I'm wrong, but she created the gay monopoly, and she was a black woman. So obviously, in those days, black and woman, like you're not gonna be let into the university or her, you know, and then ask man took over okay. Now he's this famous monopoly. But it was a woman that created the gay monopoly, even a washing machine, a dishwasher, all these women created these things, and it was completely not known, you know, like who's known for creating electricity. That's all we know in history. Who's the person that created the airplane? That's like top conversation.

SPEAKER_04 45:08

Created the GPS, do you know? Who passed away last month, or last month or the month before?

SPEAKER_02 45:14

Um, also I saw that as well.

SPEAKER_04 45:18

Yeah. I was I was shocked to actually find out a lot of inventions also included a lot of black women, but because in university we will never know.

SPEAKER_00 45:31

That's why there is a lot of high performing high performing women nowadays.

SPEAKER_02 45:36

They're saying fact the shit.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

They're like they're taking this opportunity where there's no more law against us, and then it's also it's also coming from these little boys, probably from very young age, that you know that you have to do better than everyone else. Because you saw it in your mom, you saw it around you, that gives community. If you were a woman and you wanted to thrive, you needed to invest like 20 or 30 percent more. Like I remember when I started working in in trading, I would go in the weekends when no one asked me to read and to see what was actually happening, to understand, because I knew that probably no one was asking me to do it. Like no one was telling me you need to do that, but I was doing it because I knew that if I wanted to move forward, I needed to put that extra effort, right? And be smart and make networks and these kind of things compared to some people or some guys around me that they just needed to be cool and be invited to the dinners and be invited to the cocktails, just because they were guys, yeah. Uh sitting sometimes in rooms where there were like very uncomfortable, misogynistic jokes, and then thinking like, and then the guys realizing that finally there were two women there, and saying, like, we cannot say those jokes anymore because now you guys are here.

SPEAKER_02 47:04

Why are you saying it though behind our backs? Because that's why we have so much crap.

SPEAKER_00 47:08

We understand that the education was not there because we were we were never in the rooms, and then exactly could laugh about whatever they wanted because you know it was okay, it was the culture, even. But now we are there. Like, even now that I I went to this dinner last year and I saw like 80% of the people dressed in smokings and 20% it was dresses, then you understand that the doors are just opening, but we had to knock on those doors like hang them back. And even there, you are like I think you told me, right, Candace. Like, you have to bring your own chair to the table. Okay, yeah, in your 30s, is saying, you know what? I am either going to bring my own chair to the table, or I am gonna build my own table and put a chair on it. Exactly. Like many, many chairs.

SPEAKER_02 48:05

Exactly. Like amazing because women are doing that now today. Women are really trying to build their own tables, they'd be like, Okay, I don't want to sit by your table in any way because it's gross, so they're making their own table. But they didn't even clean it, dude. Like there's a condom lay underneath you guys.

SPEAKER_03 48:25

Um and that is part one of episode eight. If you want to go ahead and listen to part two, it should be available on I think anywhere you can find the podcast. Super curious, always to hear everyone's feedback. And if you also just want to be on the pod, do send us an email and we will gladly get in touch at it. Anyways, happy squirreling. Always be your most authentic self. Bye.